How does it feel?

“How does it feel? To be on your own,with no direction home,a complete unknown,like a rolling stone.”  Bob Dylan.

In the early 80’s I left a good job engineering and decided to tour North America.I was young (24),had some money saved and wanted a little adventure. I had no real plan other than to have fun and see where this new life took me.

About 6 months later I was in a new city walking down the street after lunch siteseeing and saw a big sign “Church of Scientology”. How can you combine Church and Science? I jaywalked,marched up to reception and  said “What the hell is Scientology?”.I was expecting a brief explanation so that I could be on my way, instead I spent that evening staring at a pretty girl trying not to flinch.My adventure had really begun!

In my first few months of courses and auditting I received a tremendous amount of personal gain and cognited that this new science of LRH’s should be available for everyone. Why hadn’t I heard of it before? So I wrote to Ron carefully explaining how we needed to get reporters in there to get the word out….I wish I still had Ron’s reply 🙂  ” Ok then..guess I’ll have to join staff and get this damned show on the road myself”  So I signed up and got busy.

Being staff in the 80’s was exciting:we were growing, Dianetics was bringing in new people and management had our backs.Orgs were reaching St Hill size and we played the B’day game for blood. It was a lot of work, especially since I moonlighted to support my new family, but it was rewarding.Then things started to change…

Those changes have been well documented on many sites, I was affected in many ways which I won’t delve into here.I will simply fast forward to 20o9 where I found myself as a public who hadn’t set foot in an org for many years.I detested the idea of public being regged for anything other than services and this whole idea of getting public to purchase buildings for the Int Landlord seemed completely absurd. I had quietly slid off lines after completing another staff contract in 02 and I found myself sitting on the sidelines carrying on with my “other” career  hoping somehow that Scientology was expanding but being mainly concerned with the 1st and 2nd Dynamics.I had purchased the new books from a friend who had a few sets and in 2009 started reading. I decided when I was next near the Org(I worked remotely) where I had been staff for 12 years and public for many others that I would pay them a visit which I did.

It was great to see a lot of old friends and I was given the grand tour.It was amazing to see how many of the staff and public I knew! In fact, I knew practically all of them….Cool!…wait…not so cool…I hadn’t been there for 6 years…where were all the new public…where were all the young eager staff? I was shown and told how well the Org was doing but I wasn’t listening anymore I was looking. Then I was regged. Needless to say that didn’t go as the reg had hoped. I felt like helping the reg out,giving him some advice on how he should be handling me…maybe a “Back on the Bridge” routing form or a free ARC break session or just getting in comm and setting an appointment.I didn’t. I simply left a bit bewildered at what I had seen.

After that I started receiving lots of calls again and my email was flooded with announcements of events and offers. The promo and the calls were telling me how great things were but I still wasn’t listening Then one Friday evening in May I thought I would peruse the Scientology website and see if I could find any hard evidence on how the Church was actually doing and whether this “Bright off-policy idea” of purchasing Ideal orgs was working or as I suspected, not working.

Well, I didn’t stick to just the “Official” Scientology website. I wandered around and checked out some of the anti Scientology sites as well (something i had done in the past as well as having read anti-scientology books long ago)  and  saw the same old shit there as well.Then I found something new! What was this? People on the internet who claimed to still be Scientologists who weren’t happy with management.Names I knew and trusted..Dan Koon, Marty Rathbun,Mike Rinder, speaking out about the abuses…Was this even possible?

As I said that was on a Friday evening. Come Sunday evening I was still on the internet having spent the whole weekend hitting every tone level possible…I was pissed off, I was excited to be seeing what I knew was the truth…I felt betrayed. I felt I had wasted half my life…then I felt a renewed purpose.I was crushed …I was laughing…in short I was a bloody mess!

“How does it feel? To be on your own,with no direction home, a complete unknown, like a rolling stone.” 

So I found a safe comm line and it was a lifesaver!

And so I have begun a new adventure : outside of the official “Church”.

If you are in a similar situation; looking and unsure where to turn I highly suggest you get a safe commline.If you don’t know where to turn please email me at  I’ll listen and help in any way I can!

ARC   Axiom38


About axiom38

From the great white north. Tough as nails farmboy. Love the beauty and goodness in people. Intolerant of self-importance. Trying to improve and always willing to learn. Love hockey and chess!(Almost a dichotomy there) Love my kids and creating. Love the pursuit of truth.
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